Wednesday, September 4, 2013

HELLO, I am pretty sure no one reads my I write to myself.  To ease the pain...hoping as my fingers touch the keys...that maybe they will offer me some advise or light bulb moment that my mind has not found yet. 

Well days have turned into weeks, to months and now years.  OH, the world of mental health is so SLOW!!!   Our amazing doctor has moved to a different state.  And we are starting over.  OVER as in  at the beginning....going through every sad, manic, disgusting stories of the girls and their behaviors.  Hearing is troubled and would be highly unlikely due to there age...YES, I agree...I would be highly unlikely...but that is where we are...AT... "the unlikely".  

My favorite responses from doctors over the last three years(sarcasm):

What!!!  You never told me she was doing need to communicate better.
I know those meds didn't work before...but we should try them again.
They are so cute, I don't know what your problem is?
I guess if you are sick of should give them back. 
Why don't you take a parenting class.
Just tell them to stop pooping their pants.
There is no way that she really did that.  Look at her...she is so cute.
It looks like you are not dedicated enough to help your kids.
You should try a sticker chart.

I try to show patience...this last two weeks have been rough(  Pee and Poop everywhere, hours of rages, no eating, ugh...ugly stuff)...who am I kidding..they all are.  But the weeks and days enmesh together into a fog. So for my sanity...I always say the last few weeks have been hard...trying to trick myself into thinking...that the ones before that were better.  Dah, I know...just work with me here..ahahha.

 I called the Psych because they wanted us to call and check in with them because of the meds change.   So I called...because I am doing what I was told.  Left message on Friday......then called again on Wed ...then again on Friday...ok wait...wait...MONDAY.  Then TUESDAY.  They call back...we think she may have a bladder infection that is why she is refusing to use the toilet.  I try to contain my anger.   So I take her into the family doctor...what a waste of his time...I felt horrible wasting his time with going through the "hoops".   And sadly while we are there..she pees all over the examining table...just to prove her point...she is MAD and that she CAN.   

I know..most of you are thinking...well it is your own fault.  You knew what you were getting yourself into by adopting two "troubled" kids.

Well, NO.  This is not what I signed up dreams were like any mother...I want to love, teach, protect and have fun with my children, training them to become healthy and happy adults.   I LOVE THEM!!!!

Well, my dream for them is broken.  There is no snuggle on the couch from them during a movie, there is no smile and running to hug me after school, there is no seeing me out of a group of strangers and saying...Mommy!    There is no special talks about "mommy what did you do when you were 5?",  or talking with be about there dreams of being a doctor when they grow up.  There is..".I am going to Jail when I get big..because I like to hurt people", "I hate you and want to live with my birth mom, I am never going to obey you...EVER!"  There is them asking for a hug only to push me a way with an evil grin..and say...I not going to hug you..hhhhhaa.     

 So maybe I get what I get.

 I didn't have to adopt them, they could be somewhere else right now...and some days I wonder...would my girls be able to love someone else...would they rebel, self harm, and defy in someone elses house....would they LOVE THEM!?!?? 

But then I come back...GOD asked us to do this...and YES...I am failing everyday.  Miserably!  I have become sad, grieving for a love I will never get from my daughters.  Frustrated  that "I" get the anger and abandonment issues that their birth mom left them with.  "ME"..  I get to feel the ugly from them.    There are many of us out there...moms who adopt children with mental health issues.  We are silently, in your churches, PTO's, work place...silently...crying in our closets at night...yes...I cry in my closet...oh and the laundry room..:o)  

I am at the edge of a cliff looking over...being pushed  by my own children...with happiness in their faces to see the pain in mine.  GOD has blessed me in the last few weeks...putting Godly women in my path that are walking the walk I am...offering comfort, and truth in GOD's word.  His words are like honey to a starving soul.  I wish I could share some amazing scripture that he has placed in front of me...but mostly,  it is HIS voice I am listening to.  YES, he talks to me..but I usually don't want to listen.   Our librarian told me I had to read the book, January First.  It was a picture of our life with our was about a family and their daughter with mental health issues.  I found comfort  that the words to my life with the girls was written on another.    I read it in two days.  There was no happy amazing breakthrough for this girl...but they kept the story REAL.  And I needed that.  Honest, raw and real.  Somehow I found Peace in the TRUTH.  The truth sometimes is just painful and brutal, but there is an odd peace that comes with it...of being able to except..what is true...not fighting it any longer  and moving forward from HERE.  Instead of trying to change the what and where of the "HERE".    It is facing it head on and taking a step forward...even if it is a HALF-STEP.

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