Wednesday, September 4, 2013

HELLO, I am pretty sure no one reads my I write to myself.  To ease the pain...hoping as my fingers touch the keys...that maybe they will offer me some advise or light bulb moment that my mind has not found yet. 

Well days have turned into weeks, to months and now years.  OH, the world of mental health is so SLOW!!!   Our amazing doctor has moved to a different state.  And we are starting over.  OVER as in  at the beginning....going through every sad, manic, disgusting stories of the girls and their behaviors.  Hearing is troubled and would be highly unlikely due to there age...YES, I agree...I would be highly unlikely...but that is where we are...AT... "the unlikely".  

My favorite responses from doctors over the last three years(sarcasm):

What!!!  You never told me she was doing need to communicate better.
I know those meds didn't work before...but we should try them again.
They are so cute, I don't know what your problem is?
I guess if you are sick of should give them back. 
Why don't you take a parenting class.
Just tell them to stop pooping their pants.
There is no way that she really did that.  Look at her...she is so cute.
It looks like you are not dedicated enough to help your kids.
You should try a sticker chart.

I try to show patience...this last two weeks have been rough(  Pee and Poop everywhere, hours of rages, no eating, ugh...ugly stuff)...who am I kidding..they all are.  But the weeks and days enmesh together into a fog. So for my sanity...I always say the last few weeks have been hard...trying to trick myself into thinking...that the ones before that were better.  Dah, I know...just work with me here..ahahha.

 I called the Psych because they wanted us to call and check in with them because of the meds change.   So I called...because I am doing what I was told.  Left message on Friday......then called again on Wed ...then again on Friday...ok wait...wait...MONDAY.  Then TUESDAY.  They call back...we think she may have a bladder infection that is why she is refusing to use the toilet.  I try to contain my anger.   So I take her into the family doctor...what a waste of his time...I felt horrible wasting his time with going through the "hoops".   And sadly while we are there..she pees all over the examining table...just to prove her point...she is MAD and that she CAN.   

I know..most of you are thinking...well it is your own fault.  You knew what you were getting yourself into by adopting two "troubled" kids.

Well, NO.  This is not what I signed up dreams were like any mother...I want to love, teach, protect and have fun with my children, training them to become healthy and happy adults.   I LOVE THEM!!!!

Well, my dream for them is broken.  There is no snuggle on the couch from them during a movie, there is no smile and running to hug me after school, there is no seeing me out of a group of strangers and saying...Mommy!    There is no special talks about "mommy what did you do when you were 5?",  or talking with be about there dreams of being a doctor when they grow up.  There is..".I am going to Jail when I get big..because I like to hurt people", "I hate you and want to live with my birth mom, I am never going to obey you...EVER!"  There is them asking for a hug only to push me a way with an evil grin..and say...I not going to hug you..hhhhhaa.     

 So maybe I get what I get.

 I didn't have to adopt them, they could be somewhere else right now...and some days I wonder...would my girls be able to love someone else...would they rebel, self harm, and defy in someone elses house....would they LOVE THEM!?!?? 

But then I come back...GOD asked us to do this...and YES...I am failing everyday.  Miserably!  I have become sad, grieving for a love I will never get from my daughters.  Frustrated  that "I" get the anger and abandonment issues that their birth mom left them with.  "ME"..  I get to feel the ugly from them.    There are many of us out there...moms who adopt children with mental health issues.  We are silently, in your churches, PTO's, work place...silently...crying in our closets at night...yes...I cry in my closet...oh and the laundry room..:o)  

I am at the edge of a cliff looking over...being pushed  by my own children...with happiness in their faces to see the pain in mine.  GOD has blessed me in the last few weeks...putting Godly women in my path that are walking the walk I am...offering comfort, and truth in GOD's word.  His words are like honey to a starving soul.  I wish I could share some amazing scripture that he has placed in front of me...but mostly,  it is HIS voice I am listening to.  YES, he talks to me..but I usually don't want to listen.   Our librarian told me I had to read the book, January First.  It was a picture of our life with our was about a family and their daughter with mental health issues.  I found comfort  that the words to my life with the girls was written on another.    I read it in two days.  There was no happy amazing breakthrough for this girl...but they kept the story REAL.  And I needed that.  Honest, raw and real.  Somehow I found Peace in the TRUTH.  The truth sometimes is just painful and brutal, but there is an odd peace that comes with it...of being able to except..what is true...not fighting it any longer  and moving forward from HERE.  Instead of trying to change the what and where of the "HERE".    It is facing it head on and taking a step forward...even if it is a HALF-STEP.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Taking my life back

Hello, it has been sometime since I have written...partly because life around here is a WHOLE lot of know I like to keep it REAL! 

MANY...MANY doctors appointments...usually all day visits every few weeks...which our hospital is 3 hours away, so pretty much all day appointments kind of day(and those of you who personally know me...know that I LOVE MY SLEEP.  Thank goodness for McDonald's and their $1.00 fountain is the little things...SWEET!

Well after all these appointment from specialist to thing  they say that is constant...the girls are "troubled"...some of the most difficult/puzzling cases they have seen...conclusion...NONE.   My hubby and I have come to many conclusions ourselves...Can't find a solution that is Man Made for things that ONLY GOD CAN HEAL/FIX!!!

I have gone and heard over and over...about how I need to change how I parent to accommodate the special needs and circumstances that our girls have been through.  Classes, sessions, training...all that have been for ME to change and learn...I have played the game.  But I have am now proud to say... I am no longer playing the game.

The problem that I have...Is why am I being told and taught how to  accommodate behaviors in our house that SOCIETY will not...

Society will never say it is ok to go to the bathroom anywhere you want, to scream and rage in a public lay your hands on someone in harm or to tell someone in great detail, how you are going to kill them....nope...NOT ALLOWED.

Through all of this I am starting to figure out...yes, I am a slow learner...that this journey is no longer about the relationship that I am trying to have with my really is just fully trusting GOD and my relationship with HIM!  I so badly want them to love me and have a normal life...we have created the enviorment and have met there physical, spiritual, emotional needs...but they now have to choose to accept or so far they have answered NO! 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I have tried many times to write an update on my girls...but as soon as I write a all changes again.  I have come to expect the unexpected, when I do seems a little more in control(aka knowing it will be out of control) I know that makes no sense to the majority of you. But some of you get it!  

Well, things are still a little manic with my youngest. She has become very aggressive towards me, though I will not go into great detail, I can say she has a great right hook on her. Now if we could just channel that for good and not evil. 

I have though a lot about food dyes and if that would change behavior.  I have investigated it and met with other moms who have made the switch to no dyes in there food...I am trying to make the switch but WOW...dyes are in everything.  I will keep you posted, though I have not gone 100%,  I think most of their issues are mental health/developmental and neurological...all developed before birth.  So little I can do food wise to correct, but every little bit helps with them...So I am hopeful that I may see some little changes.

I have tried to enter into this new year to have no New Years resolutions...but LIFE CHANGES...
To be better...a better mom, wife, friend, community person and CHILD TO GOD.  But I can tell you 9 days into the new year...not doing so grateful for a loving Father who forgives and loves no matter how much I disappoint and fail. 

For those of you that struggle with kiddos like mine(or all mommy's), we need to take care of ourselves. I know easier said then done...I have tried small things to distress my day and reset my self(sometimes it is multiple times a day).  Like a little scripture(refreshment for the soul), sat and watched the last 20 mins of You've Got Mail while folding the break I needed.  I do these things as my girl is in time out.  Mommies need quite time too, why not pair it when our kiddos have time out great :o)))) It is the little things, I have been reading a book about finding small gifts in everything that are from HIM...even the small does restore the soul. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

Signs of FALL

Most people can tell FALL is here by the crispness in the air.  The beauty of the leaves and the sunset on the harvesting corn.   Yes, I too can sense that fall is here because of these things...but I really know it is here when my girls get all MANIC.  Like clock work...October 1st hits and is on.  My gals always disobey and defy, but during the fall and winter months they bless me with an "extra dose". 

It may be 29 degrees and they refuse to got to the bathroom, wear their coats AND shoes(don't worry, they put coats hats and mittens on when it is 90 degrees..hhhaaa~true story!)..they will shiver and scream "I am cold but I WILL NOT PUT MY COAT ON".   And my answer to them..."well, my way would keep you warm, safe and healthy...but YOUR way makes you shiver, cold and sick...big bummer!!!" 

All the brain is have taught them what they need to do...but they have to choose..."THEY" HAVE TO CHOOSE!

I think about how crazy their actions are sometimes...not making any since at all...(wearing the same clothes for days at a time, refusing to eat and sleep for days) then I am my own selfish ways must appear the same to my Lord and Savior...MY FATHER...resisting every thing he places on the path for me to do things the right way...I am sure he gets so frustrated with me saying...child...haven't I taught you what to do...but you keep defying me...over and over...then comes his loving hand and his GRACE...he floods me with it...I mess up daily, yet he loves me with out conditions...because that is what a good DADDY does. 

So when it all comes down to is total a HEART issue.(AKA for my girls AND myself)

So may verses have given me strength this week, but I will share a few:

Psalm 3:3
But you are a shield around me, O LORD;
you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the LORD i cry aloud, and he answers me fro his holy hill

Psalm 34:17-18
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and
saves those who are crushed in spirit.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

A new type of  TOOTH FAIRY

My oldest chica that struggles has had many issues over the time we have gotten her...her newest thing is trying to pull her teeth out...yes, you read that right...I couldn't make it up even if I tried...but before I tell you this amazing story, I would like you to know that yes, my girls are both being seen by mental health professionals, yes many.  So now worries on if I am getting them the help they need, I am. 

The tooth fairy, (visual picture)  beautiful, graceful, glittery little fairy who swoops in gently to deposit said items(money or gift and letter) without disturbing the sleeping child.  

We get excited around here for her to some...almost as much at Santa Clause. 

Two months ago....

So I was hoping once my oldest chica was ready for a her tooth to fall out...we would or could have a moment of normalcy and have a real special memory.  But this would not be so(yes, I am so very sad about her missing yet once again a normal childhood memory to the evilness of this crazy stuff).

She had recently had surgery to save her tooth(because she had created an huge growth from trying to pull her teeth ou,and the growth was pushing her teeth out and we were hoping to save it for a little while longer).  We thought it was a little loose still but I was watching her like a hawk so she would not mess with it.

One afternoon I went to take a quick shower to come back to her mouth with one less tooth.  I asked her if she was ok and were her tooth was.  She gave me the face...the blank stair(insert cricket sounds).   I ask three more times...the other kids are starting to come the tooth fairy gets to come...that is awesome...but still now answer. 
Many stories were told...that I had told her to pull her tooth out, that she swallowed it, that I had told her to throw it in the trash..on and on and on. 

Finally 2 hours later DAD was home and AAHHHHHHHH( high note angelic singing) she could speak again and told him she through down a register in the floor.  Wait for it....because I told her to...yep!

Just breaks my heart that she can't have one normal childhood interaction or memory...I often wonder what story/version she will remember of that new type of tooth fairy when she looks back...

I may write about today's crazy later...still trying to heal from todays was a day...but the verse that helped me today was from:

1 Samuel 12:16 
Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!

Only with HIS strength and a big fountain pop did I get through this day...HE IS SO GOOD.

Monday, September 10, 2012

GOD has lead me to and through many journeys: fertility issues, two losses, more fertility issues and now...Adopting two children through foster care that suffer daily(sometimes minute by minute). Some of the diagnosis to date include: PTSD, RAD,ODD, OCD, fetal alcholol syndrome, depression, self harming to name a few(yes that was blogging sarcasm-hhhaaaaa)

  I started "this" blog(I have another one called Bring it to HIM-about grief and loss) but this one is all about the crazy life of mental health issues with my girls. As a way for me to chart and express our journey with two steps forward three steps back life. I will share our "life" that for most will think is clinically insane...but for others of you will say...THAT IS SO OUR life...well friends THIS blog is for you don't feel alone and isolated from the world outside of this life of struggles. I will also share how I get through everyday...with the mercy, love and grace of my LORD and savior...with HIM ALL things are possible. And that with HIM you will find Glory even HERE(see get it????)

So here begins a day in the life of ME: SO it husband leaves and click goes the lock on our door...and it is "ON" Once I hear him lock the youngest chica begins to scream, not just scream, but know, the kind that happens when a child slams their hand in a car door or falls down steps. So I go into her room...nope she is ok...she stops and looks dead in my eyes and says in her evil voice "I am going to scream for you all day eby(every) day and poop and pee for YOU". My brain wants to say...big surprise, really like you have for the last 8 mns...but grace flows over me and I is toooo will miss out on playing and will have to clean yourself up...bummer!!! Then begins the screaming again..but before I leave the room...oh what is that smell yep...she made good on her promise to poop in her pants...oh, my and I have only been up 10 minutes. So she gets herself cleaned up and dressed 45 minutes later. Now breakfast..but she refuses to eat and after 25 minutes breakfast is over...NOW she screams because she wants to eat breakfast NOW...

Oh GOD restore my soul and strength to get through big how about THIS HOUR...oh and he hears my cry and provides. HE IS SO GOOD!!! Stay tuned...I have many more stories...that was just a morning in the life of one child with special needs...and I have TWO...hhhaaaa... If this is your life people...stay strong... pray hard and love your kiddos even when they don't, won't and can't love you YET!!!